a) I'm getting close to 30 and I can't afford Botox yet.
b) I was in an agreeable mood after my relaxing massage and would have said yes to anything (it's a good thing nobody asked me if I wanted to buy this house)
c) I apparently like throwing my money away, or
d) YOLO.
You pick the best answer you like.
When I agreed to the treatment, the aesthetician was very excited and she taped my eyelids shut. Then she pulled out what appeared to a mechanical belt sander and sanded my face off. I couldn't actually tell if it was a belt sander - maybe it was a floor buffer - because my eyelids were taped shut. Once she finished sanding my face off, she put the hose down.
"The redness is totally normal," she assured me.
"You mean my face? Is my face red?" I asked, because my eyelids were taped shut.
"It's totally normal," she repeated. "Also, you should avoid prolonged exposure to direct sunlight like tanning for a while, because you might get first degree burns."
"That shouldn't be a problem in Nunavut, since we don't have any sunlight," I replied, although really I was wondering, Tell me again why I should be avoiding sunlight? Had the belt sander transformed me into a vampire?
"Also," she continued, "you may feel a slight tingling sensation."
I thought about it, and now that I was thinking about it, my face did feel like it was on fire.
"Do you feel a slight tingling sensation?" the aesthetician asked me.
"I do feel a slight tingling sensation," I answered her, hoping my smoking skin would not set off the fire alarm.
"Okay," she said, and she washed my face for like the fourth time. "I'm going to put on a really cold mask on your face to calm your skin down."
"Why?" I said. "Does my skin need to calm down? What is it doing?"
But by this time she had disappeared and I didn't know where she went, because there was a really cold mask covering my face.
How do I look? Do I look like a young 20 year old thang?
As I drove back from the spa, I discovered that some of the sand crystals had managed to make their way into my eyes (despite them being taped shut during the treatment) and I found myself blinking furiously through the intersection as my eyes watered. My eyes were welling up like I just found out Ryan Gosling has a new girlfriend. I hope human tears do not reverse the effect of microdermabrasion.
I don't know if I looked younger after the treatment, but with the crow's feet literally scraped off my face, I then went to the mall and pondered buying a sweater with glittery skulls all over it. So I certainly feel younger.
